mom

Like most men - I cannot show emotions from the heart, especially to my folks or most friends. Today, like most days, sitting at the big apple, I think of my folks. It is hard, sometimes very hard to be away from them - often each day away seem a mistake? There are times I hope to get on the next flight home - be with mom & dad forever. Sure, we'll have our difference of opinions and things can get quite intense at times and yes it does make me pretty sad & super mad when I get all upset with them. However I learn to reconcile and be mature - realize how much I care for them, how important they are and very insignificant everything else can be.

I have been thinking about mom a lot lately - thinking why haven't I hardly said to her, how much I value her presence in my life? How much I appreciate and am thankful for all that she has done for me. How sorry I am for not doing things her way - and not just because I've always wanted to live my life and "break free" - but because I wanted to learn & live - make real mistakes to experience life and discover myself - not have the luxury to live beneath her wings (even though I wish I could) and be protected from realities of life.

Dad may have made the big bucks, but mom who held us all together. She gave us our identity, protected us from all harm, she fought the battles - cared & have toiled for us. I cannot think of a moment without her in our lives. She has been so fair to even those who wronged her. She is capable of so much more in life, but never had opportunities to explore her potential.

Mom isn't keeping too well these days. I think of her every passing moment, I worry about her - and sometimes I find a tear or two passing down my cheek. However, everyday I say a prayer for her to get well - and though I am sure she shall recover soon enough, I wish I am with her at this moment - to attend to her needs, tell her how much she means in my life her & make her proud. I want her to know in her heart of hearts, that every passing moment she is in my thoughts & prayers. I love you mom - always.

Still Searching

Can't seem to figure what is it that I want from life? There are moments, I feel I have more than my share of the wish list from life - and then there are moments I feel there just isn't anything worth having at all, and lastly moments I feel I just don't have anything of true value to the heart?

A friend (who I think is quite mature and wise for her age) often tells me - "you haven't found yourself yet rosh, because, often you seem to be searching for something?". I know she's is correct. I don't think I have found myself. There are times I seem confused as to a defined culture or background - my thoughts and ways of living are sort of hybrid, meaning traits from various cultures and backgrounds - hence hardly "fit in" within a group of folks from who come from similar backgrounds. I seem to still search for that something and/or someone to whom/what I can relate with. To add, am not sure whom/ what it is to be precise?

Often, I've felt a strong family and foundation sort of adds perspective on what is it one wants from life which adds to your identity/individuality.

I remember driving across neighbourhoods during Christmas or thanksgiving (or whilst just standing at my balcony) - in New York/New Jersey or in Toronto - and seeing homes with family and loved ones. Christmas trees and lights adorn homes & snow filled gardens - mom's, grandmas, cousins and friends, all being home - in the hometown they grew up - meeting up for Christmas - to reminisce the growing days & and treasured memoirs - share laughs, recipes, home cooked meals, love & care and so much more. I see such moments and naturally start thinking of my family, friends and home.

But then again, am not sure of I’ve ever had such family bond or a stable home atmosphere whilst growing up. I've always grown up with the fact that things are temporary - hence perhaps should not be too attached to anything or anyone - cause something or someone is going to move soon. Hence, I think, for the most part I've always kept to myself, been myself - never gave myself an opportunity to be merry with friends and not worry about seeing them again - or have such family moments – hence never let anyone get close to me and vice versa.

At time’s it's strange and in a way melancholy & peaceful, to see people bond, and be at home with near & dear. It must be lovely to have that support system, feeling of home and have that ambiance around you? Perhaps this is something I am "searching" for - perhaps this is something I can built on? Life goes on I suppose - we've got to make the most of what we have in life and develop thereafter.