Monday, April 02, 2007

Still Searching

Can't seem to figure what is it that I want from life? There are moments, I feel I have more than my share of the wish list from life - and then there are moments I feel there just isn't anything worth having at all, and lastly moments I feel I just don't have anything of true value to the heart?

A friend (who I think is quite mature and wise for her age) often tells me - "you haven't found yourself yet rosh, because, often you seem to be searching for something?". I know she's is correct. I don't think I have found myself. There are times I seem confused as to a defined culture or background - my thoughts and ways of living are sort of hybrid, meaning traits from various cultures and backgrounds - hence hardly "fit in" within a group of folks from who come from similar backgrounds. I seem to still search for that something and/or someone to whom/what I can relate with. To add, am not sure whom/ what it is to be precise?

Often, I've felt a strong family and foundation sort of adds perspective on what is it one wants from life which adds to your identity/individuality.

I remember driving across neighbourhoods during Christmas or thanksgiving (or whilst just standing at my balcony) - in New York/New Jersey or in Toronto - and seeing homes with family and loved ones. Christmas trees and lights adorn homes & snow filled gardens - mom's, grandmas, cousins and friends, all being home - in the hometown they grew up - meeting up for Christmas - to reminisce the growing days & and treasured memoirs - share laughs, recipes, home cooked meals, love & care and so much more. I see such moments and naturally start thinking of my family, friends and home.

But then again, am not sure of I’ve ever had such family bond or a stable home atmosphere whilst growing up. I've always grown up with the fact that things are temporary - hence perhaps should not be too attached to anything or anyone - cause something or someone is going to move soon. Hence, I think, for the most part I've always kept to myself, been myself - never gave myself an opportunity to be merry with friends and not worry about seeing them again - or have such family moments – hence never let anyone get close to me and vice versa.

At time’s it's strange and in a way melancholy & peaceful, to see people bond, and be at home with near & dear. It must be lovely to have that support system, feeling of home and have that ambiance around you? Perhaps this is something I am "searching" for - perhaps this is something I can built on? Life goes on I suppose - we've got to make the most of what we have in life and develop thereafter.

3 comments:

Hot Lemon& Honey said...

"I've always grown up with the fact that things are temporary - hence perhaps should not be too attached to anything or anyone - cause something or someone is going to move soon.", this was so sad to read, but is so true and I can imagine how difficult it is to live like this all growing up.
You know Rosh, sometimes we need to recheck our purpose in life and evaluate what we are doing living. I have been thinking about this for the past year and have been implementing changes that will help define me, and it isn't career oriented, it is the whole of me. i feel a part of me will be able to get a better sense once I find my other half.

INSPIRE YOUR MIND said...

There are certain things we don't choose in this life; we're just born with it (ethnic background; parents; country of living ..etc). And these things are in fact the seeds of our greatest self. No one is lucky enough, no one is unlucky enough. Just nourish those seeds and look into the blessing they bring into your life; and make them flourish. Above all; it's you who'll stand up like a deeply-rooted tree. And remember ' home is yourself '.

rosh said...

Oops sorry HLH, didn't mean to make you sad : ) OK perhaps it's a bit sad/true. However, I am glad I talked about this to myself and wrote it down. It helps "know" the issue, be "aware" and move on -knowing what is it that bothers me often. Why am I am too afraid to stick to a place, a city - why I feel the constant need to travel?

Re: finding ourselves and the other half - maybe it's in the 30's when we find ourselves or that purpose in life. Maybe it's just a state of mind whilst in our 30's? I've given career way to much of my life - and thank heavens I've had some success. However I've been thinking - there must be more to life, a purpose, a person, merry moments and all?

Hopefully we shall find ours soon. I guess the key is to often keep that "positive" purposeful outlook/attitude towards life.

IYM - your words make me smile. Such mature and free thinking spirit - bless you girl.

"Above all; it's you who'll stand up like a deeply-rooted tree. And remember ' home is yourself '."

True, very true - guess at times in a crowded city like NYC, when I see the loneliest souls, or when I am feel lonely myself - it'd be nice to have that support system to find that mental comfort of home.