Can't seem to figure what is it that I want from life? There are moments, I feel I have more than my share of the wish list from life - and then there are moments I feel there just isn't anything worth having at all, and lastly moments I feel I just don't have anything of true value to the heart?
A friend (who I think is quite mature and wise for her age) often tells me - "you haven't found yourself yet rosh, because, often you seem to be searching for something?". I know she's is correct. I don't think I have found myself. There are times I seem confused as to a defined culture or background - my thoughts and ways of living are sort of hybrid, meaning traits from various cultures and backgrounds - hence hardly "fit in" within a group of folks from who come from similar backgrounds. I seem to still search for that something and/or someone to whom/what I can relate with. To add, am not sure whom/ what it is to be precise?
Often, I've felt a strong family and foundation sort of adds perspective on what is it one wants from life which adds to your identity/individuality.
I remember driving across neighbourhoods during Christmas or thanksgiving (or whilst just standing at my balcony) - in New York/New Jersey or in Toronto - and seeing homes with family and loved ones. Christmas trees and lights adorn homes & snow filled gardens - mom's, grandmas, cousins and friends, all being home - in the hometown they grew up - meeting up for Christmas - to reminisce the growing days & and treasured memoirs - share laughs, recipes, home cooked meals, love & care and so much more. I see such moments and naturally start thinking of my family, friends and home.
But then again, am not sure of I’ve ever had such family bond or a stable home atmosphere whilst growing up. I've always grown up with the fact that things are temporary - hence perhaps should not be too attached to anything or anyone - cause something or someone is going to move soon. Hence, I think, for the most part I've always kept to myself, been myself - never gave myself an opportunity to be merry with friends and not worry about seeing them again - or have such family moments – hence never let anyone get close to me and vice versa.
At time’s it's strange and in a way melancholy & peaceful, to see people bond, and be at home with near & dear. It must be lovely to have that support system, feeling of home and have that ambiance around you? Perhaps this is something I am "searching" for - perhaps this is something I can built on? Life goes on I suppose - we've got to make the most of what we have in life and develop thereafter.