Wednesday, June 13, 2007

lost

Am sitting in some fancy office, surrounded by files and inane paper work (mostly on numbers and legalities) of acquisitions made across the world. There is plenty of work to do - plenty of calls to make - plenty of questions to answer and plenty of deadlines & living people to meet.

However am unable to bring myself to a task? Woke up feeling rested, had a good night's sleep. Traffic to work wasn't bad - the coffee wasn't bad - neither was this yummy slice of (Golden Loaf) fruit cake I managed to bring all the way from SHJ to NYC. 40 minutes into my day, and something just switched off within - not sure what?

Since then can’t think straight or have the energy to move around - walk into people's cubes/offices or keep a conversation or my speech going. I seem to be plain tired/exhausted. I am sorta wary when this occurs, cause more often my mind goes wandering away to oblivion and starts thinking up stuff I rather not think about such as -

- thinking of a "purpose" - yup a purpose to life
- thinking of things I've always wanted to do, but never could?
- thinking as to what am I doing in Manhattan, when all dear/near ones are on the other side of this planet?
- thinking of things I could do, rather than be "imprisoned" within a corporate office, mostly with people I rather not see again
- thinking that at 31 why am I not living my way
- the way I want to live my life
- thinking & wishing I had bags of million $ bills to get away from all this, travel around, see people and places, visit my mom & dad, hold my nephew again *sigh*
- thinking why am I single in this goddamn city?

Again am not sure why am writing all this down? Someone once said to me, writing down thoughts will help better realize what we want from our lives even more - don't think that's working today?

It's past 6PM and as I look down into the street from my office window I see people making their way to the bus terminals and train stations, after a hard day's work (well maybe not in my case) . But an aspect which never ceases to amaze me is that despite Manhattan being insanely crowded, why is it I find the loneliest souls in this city or the fact that most people with friends or in groups seem to be searching for "validation" in life - all sorts of validation?

Anyhoooooo why are so many of us lost from THE purpose(s) of our lives? I am not sure if I am lost, I know what I want to do - can never seem to bring myself to do it, given all that I've said in the first paragraph plus some more.

6 comments:

IYM said...

Roshy.. all you need to do tonight is listen to 'the cure for fear'.. you know where to find it..

BuJ said...

i feel you my man.. been thinking along these lines too.

the problem is that when you ditch it all and return, you'll find that you're still uneasy.

rosh said...

thanks IYM - you are such a sweet soul, bless ya girl.

Yup, very true BuJ - I have been thinking of ditching it all and return home. But then just given some ways of working at home, I am afraid I'd possibly be at more unease? Where is that stupid crystal ball when I need it? :)

I am starting to think, things shall take it's course, if I am meant to be with dear/near ones and at home, it shall happen, if not, I guess I'd just have to live on eh? If I do return, I hope it's sooner than later, 'cause I pretty much do not want to take anymore time away from home & family - they won't be around for ever.

i*maginate said...

Seems these are the thoughts that successful people have anyway, of course, success being relative!

I've been thinking this way too lately. Certain events trigger them. I guess in your case, you just don't seem to like the corporate way of life! Well, it can be quite a terrible feeling. And that too, being single in a huge city.

Personally, the only thing so far that has helped me plan and realise my goals - well, the book helped me determine my most important goals and find a way to make them happen - is a book called "Best year yet". It's really good, I recommend it.

Good luck Rosh, hope all goes well...x

rosh said...

thanks i* very kind of you - mucha gracias : ) I shall check out this much recommended book.

i*maginate said...

unlike other (ooh i don't like this term: "self-help") books, it's based around about 10 areas of your life which you choose as the most important. the book helps you identify which ones these are, and from all these "lessons" you learn, you define one "power" statement that sees you to the end of the year. It really worked for me a couple of years ago. Despite my personal success with it, I have since been too lazy to take out 3 hours of my time to go through the process again! And that's it really. It takes 3 hours to come up with a life-changing approach for the next year, and I still haven't found the time to do it again =)

Life, eh?