Am sitting in some fancy office, surrounded by files and inane paper work (mostly on numbers and legalities) of acquisitions made across the world. There is plenty of work to do - plenty of calls to make - plenty of questions to answer and plenty of deadlines & living people to meet.
However am unable to bring myself to a task? Woke up feeling rested, had a good night's sleep. Traffic to work wasn't bad - the coffee wasn't bad - neither was this yummy slice of (Golden Loaf) fruit cake I managed to bring all the way from SHJ to NYC. 40 minutes into my day, and something just switched off within - not sure what?
Since then can’t think straight or have the energy to move around - walk into people's cubes/offices or keep a conversation or my speech going. I seem to be plain tired/exhausted. I am sorta wary when this occurs, cause more often my mind goes wandering away to oblivion and starts thinking up stuff I rather not think about such as -
- thinking of a "purpose" - yup a purpose to life
- thinking of things I've always wanted to do, but never could?
- thinking as to what am I doing in Manhattan, when all dear/near ones are on the other side of this planet?
- thinking of things I could do, rather than be "imprisoned" within a corporate office, mostly with people I rather not see again
- thinking that at 31 why am I not living my way
- the way I want to live my life
- thinking & wishing I had bags of million $ bills to get away from all this, travel around, see people and places, visit my mom & dad, hold my nephew again *sigh*
- thinking why am I single in this goddamn city?
Again am not sure why am writing all this down? Someone once said to me, writing down thoughts will help better realize what we want from our lives even more - don't think that's working today?
It's past 6PM and as I look down into the street from my office window I see people making their way to the bus terminals and train stations, after a hard day's work (well maybe not in my case) . But an aspect which never ceases to amaze me is that despite Manhattan being insanely crowded, why is it I find the loneliest souls in this city or the fact that most people with friends or in groups seem to be searching for "validation" in life - all sorts of validation?
Anyhoooooo why are so many of us lost from THE purpose(s) of our lives? I am not sure if I am lost, I know what I want to do - can never seem to bring myself to do it, given all that I've said in the first paragraph plus some more.